A Christian Perspective on Relationship Standards
We live in a culture that is very opinionated when it comes to relationship standards.
The popularity of reality dating shows like ‘Pop the Balloon’ and ‘Love Island’ is a symptom of a lovesick culture that is very keen towards understanding the norm of what makes an ideal partner.
Although understanding cultural norms can be useful contextually, as Christians we need to realise that we are actually dropping our standards when we adhere to ‘comment section’ advice not rooted in the word. If our relationship standards are like the world we can’t be surprised when we reap the same results as the world: Increasing divorce rates and declining marriage satisfaction.
We need to be mindful of the origin of the type of dating advice we adopt. Tim Keller wrote: “In the Bible, you have teaching [on marriage] that has been tested by millions of people over centuries and in multiple cultures”. There is no other resource like this on the planet. If God is the one who created marriage, surely he isn’t ignorant of what makes one successful.
“Ah, stubborn children,” declares the Lord, “who carry out a plan, but not mine, and who make an alliance, but not of my Spirit, that they may add sin to sin;” – Isaiah 30:1
A main issue with our culture’s perspective on standards is that they are mostly self-seeking. When we talk about relationships in our culture it's always from the lens of ‘what can this person do for me?’. Love is then given or withheld based on whether the person has met certain criteria.
The issue with the self-seeking perspective is that it’s prone to look to marriage as the solution to our problems. This turns the relationship into a form of salvation and nobody can live up to this.
The biblical perspective is different. Marriage isn’t ‘how can they improve my life’, It’s: ‘I want to spend the rest of my life committed to loving and serving this person.’
The reason this is such a tricky concept for us is because we grew up in a culture that puts the sole focus and meaning of marriage on us and off God. When God created marriage, he had the gospel in mind. Throughout the Bible, God often uses marriage to demonstrate the type of committed relationship he wants with us (Isa 62:4-5, 54:5-8, Hos 1-3). For us to understand how to properly love our partners we need to first understand the type of love Christ has for his bride the Church (Eph 5:22-33).
“but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8
The beauty of the type of love Christ has for us is that he chooses to love us despite our imperfections.
The type of love we should desire to give and receive from our spouses isn’t one conditioned on how perfect we are in their eyes, but one that stubbornly loves us despite our shortcomings.
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” -Philippians 2:4. “Love is patient and kind... It does not insist on its own way” - 1 Cor 13:4-5
There’s nothing wrong with having a preference, but what exactly are we looking for, a lifelong partner to commit to loving and serving or a trophy?
Someone could genuinely be a God-ordained match but because you got the ick that time they wore white airforces with black socks, they’re not the one? We need to seriously diagnose the heart behind our standards. Are they based on God’s word or are they self-seeking?
Marriage is beautiful, completely life-changing and so choosing our partners requires a tremendous amount of faith. This faith, however, shouldn’t be placed in the person’s ability to meet our standards but in God who sees our beginning from our end and knows what person is best for us.
